So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
