On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
