I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
