how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
smell my finger.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
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