Jerry, you need to find god
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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