My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
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