whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
