I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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