I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Can I color on your dick again?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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