I want to walk on stilts...naked
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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