and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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