if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize