Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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