The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
