why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
