I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
you mean i was at the winter classic?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
