Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
