Even the bartender felt bad for me
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
