Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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