im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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