So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
