She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
