you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
