Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
