I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
