my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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