i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
