If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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