Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
