so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
