Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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