Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
