i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize