she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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