I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
