Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It's not a walk of shame if you run
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
