I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Randomize
