So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
