I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
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