he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
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