i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize