She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Floor bacon is actually really good
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
