I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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