God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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