she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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