Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
