Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
