i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
