Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
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