Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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