I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
