dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
