I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
