Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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