it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
