After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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