I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
At least life still wants to fuck me.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
false alarm, still single
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
