you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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