Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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