Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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