I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
you inspire me to be a worse person
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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