It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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