You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize